piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
