got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
