So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
