I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
