i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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