I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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