the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
