I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
