just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
