I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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