Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize