did you get engaged???
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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