Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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