I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
