i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
