The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
