I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
