ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
