And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
