That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
What drink are we having for lunch?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
