We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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