Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
