Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
