Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
