So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
