Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
