boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
