Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize