she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
