When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
