wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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