i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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