Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
