6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
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I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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