It's like God shit irony all over that family
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
