I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
