SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
