Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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