just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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