Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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