im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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