happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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