did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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