i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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