Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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