I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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