she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
