i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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