my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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