I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
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Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
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And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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