It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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