i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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