After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
