i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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