just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
